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Now that we know you are a woman of high value and therefore a real catch for the guy of your dreams, we have to go about the task of finding him. You already know that you have to meet more of them in order to filter out and choose the right guy.
Now the issue is where and how. You may be saying, “I barely have time to call my mom on Sundays, so when am I going to have conversations with a bunch of new men?”
I get it. We all have a finite amount of time, and although we will not all enjoy the same number of years in our lives, we all have the same number of hours in a week.
Have you spent years promising yourself you’ll take that trip or learn that skill or catch up with that old friend when you get the time? And have you? Not having enough time can be our excuse for the rest of our lives if we let it.
Several years ago I took a long, hard look at my own life and realized I had no social life. I didn’t come to this realization on my own, mind you: it took an ex-girlfriend to confess that the reason she broke up with me was that I was boring: “All you did was work, or think about work, or plan what you were going to do at work.”
Boring! Ouch, that hurt. But she was right. I had chosen to spend most of my time and energy developing my business. I could have doubled the hours in a week and still have found work to fill them. Friends would call and without even thinking I would respond, “Busy working tonight, sorry, I can’t make it.”
This response was not just the excuse I gave my friends; I’d started to believe it myself. I had convinced myself that I literally had no hours in the day for a social life. Some of this was legitimate. I was working extremely hard. But I also knew deep inside that I had attached myself to my work as my go-to excuse for everything else in my life.
I made it my get-out-of-jail-free card for avoiding everything challenging, time consuming, or inconvenient. Family commitments, friends, romantic relationships—I had convinced myself that all of these things were just completely impossible. “Lack of time” had become my crutch for every area in which I was not committing. Did I know that I didn’t need twenty-four hours a day to work on my business? Yes, obviously, but I still managed to convince myself that I had absolutely no time. When I’d make an excuse, even to myself, I knew it wasn’t true. Eventually I realized that I’d clung onto my excuses for so long that I’d started to deny I wanted anything else, including love or a relationship.
Making ourselves busy is often an avoidance activity. We use our busy schedules as a way of excusing and distracting ourselves from addressing issues in our lives that could potentially cause us pain, like seeking a relationship. We unconsciously stuff our schedules with activity just so we can have a reason to excuse the fact that we’re still single.
It lets us say to our families, our friends, our coworkers, and ourselves: My life is just so busy, I never have time to meet anyone. None of us truly work twenty-four hours a day, and being busy can’t be our excuse forever.
We can all think of people in the world who are more successful than we are, busier than we are, with even more demands on their time than ours, who still find time for a relationship. Also, consider this: when our social life—which includes our love life—is nonexistent, the lack of love and connection can poison much of the success we get in other areas of our lives. My wake –up… My wake-up call came when I took a moment to consider the timeline of my whole life.
Visualize the total time you assume you may have on this earth—let’s say seventy-five years, barring getting hit by a bus or some other unforeseen calamity—and then subtract all the following elements:
Time in our life already gone Sleeping hours Working hours Time spent on all those chores we can’t avoid our end years when we may not be fit enough to do things of our choice. It’s an eye-opener. What we have left over is a small percentage of our total time in which to do all the things we really want. How are you using this time?
Have you realized yet how scarce and therefore precious this time really is? The idea of changing your lifestyle to give a higher priority to your love life might seem daunting. Perhaps I’m even trying your patience.
First, I asked you to give up on the idea that love is a matter of fate deciding when to drop the right guy in front of your nose, and now it feels like I’m asking you to change your entire lifestyle in the interest of finding Mr. Right. But think of it this way:
Why are we happy to spend massive amounts of time working, but flinch at the idea of giving more time to our love life, as though it were unimportant? Do we really think that our love life contributes less to our happiness and fulfillment? Imagine you were offered the perfect relationship tomorrow.
The guy is standing right next to you. He’s everything you want in a man: He’s attractive, kind, warm, intelligent, and ambitious. He cares about your needs, turns you on sexually, and is fun to be around. He shares all of your deepest values and is dedicated to sharing his life with you.
If you were offered this perfect relationship with this perfect person, how much time would you be willing to invest in this relationship each week? How much time would you spend with him? How much time would you spend sharing new experiences with him? How much of your average weekend would you spend being intimate and close to him? Iknow the answer: a lot. Would any of us, if made this offer, reply, “Well, I can only commit one hour a week to this relationship at the most, but no more, because I’m just so busy”?
We would make time for it, because we know this person is going to make us happy. If we would be willing to invest a lot of time in the perfect relationship, shouldn’t we be willing to invest our time in finding such a person? It’s always seemed a bit strange to me that we don’t see meeting new people as a priority, yet we prioritize relationships once we are actually in them.
We don’t think like this about any other area of our lives. No one says that once she gets rich she is going to focus on working hard. Or once she’s fit and toned she’s going to start going to the gym. The bottom line is this: if when you find the man of your dreams you are willing to spend so much time with him, doesn’t it make sense to be willing to spend the same amount of time doing things that will lead you to him?
The Secret Is in the Social Life Once you’ve committed to making time, the question becomes, how can you be more proactive? What do you need to change to bring more people into your life? How do you increase the pool of people from which you’ll find that special guy? It’s a mistake to restrict your social circle to just men; everyone you meet has the potential to introduce you to Mr. Right. You may be thinking that your social life is the one area you’re quite content with; you already have great friends. You wouldn’t be the first one. At my seminars many people approach me at the break and say, “Matt, I don’t need help in this area. I have a great life. I have wonderful friends who care about me and enjoy the same activities I do.
My problem is I just don’t meet any good men!” But this isn’t just about having people you can count on to go out with you for a drink on Saturday night; it’s about having a social life that serves your love life. Where the guys are For a lot of us, our days resemble those of the Bill Murray character in Groundhog Day—a mind-numbing routine of eating the same breakfast, going to work, eating the same lunch, at the same time, at the same place, with the same colleagues every day, then going home to watch the same TV programs, before sleeping in preparation for repeating it all again.
If your current lifestyle revolves around sitting on the couch on a Saturday night with a glass of wine and watching reality TV shows, then mastering the best techniques for creating attraction with a guy aren’t going to matter a lot. Your challenge, then, isn’t just about understanding men, and knowing what to say and how to act or react.
To meet more men, you must engage in a lifestyle that brings you into contact with new guys on a regular basis. The perfect venue for finding men is a myth Where can I find great men? The question is posed to me so often it’s almost as if women believe that there’s a secret place, like Narnia or Neverland, where all the good men reside and where their perfect guy is sitting, waiting for them to stumble through the back of the wardrobe and find him.
There is no perfect place. Guys are everywhere. Yes, it’s important that you choose wisely where you go when you go out, to maximize your opportunities to meet men, but the guys you eyeball at the Sapphire Room on Friday night will only ever represent a tiny proportion of the men you have the chance to meet during the rest of a normal week. Don’t wait for those occasional opportunities when you go to a party, or your night out with friends once a week.
The truth is, Mr. Right does all of the things you do. He does not belong to a different species. Wherever you go, he goes. He is on the train, riding the escalator, shopping in the supermarket, relaxing in the coffee shop, playing sports, watching sports, in line at the movies, or at the cell phone store. He is everywhere.
As I sit here in a coffee shop writing this, I’ve noticed that three attractive women have walked in and ordered coffee. I could easily have been gazing at my computer screen wondering where all the great women are. Just because I didn’t meet these women doesn’t mean that they weren’t there.
The opportunities to meet people present themselves more often than we think. While there is no perfect venue, some venues are better than others. You probably won’t run across Mr. Right while getting your nails done; you have a better chance browsing at the Apple store. The best venue is rich in guys and allows for easy conversation. Your living room couch doesn’t qualify.
One activity that could be made more sociable is the way we exercise. For example, if, when you’re working out at the gym, you’re used to cranking out hours on your own on the treadmill or exercise bike, try signing up for a class that’s likely to be heavily male oriented, like kickboxing or martial arts. This employs the concept of Double Time; without allocating any more time in your schedule, you’ve transformed a formerly solitary activity into one that is rich in guys and makes for easy conversation. Suddenly you’ve developed a ritual that takes no more time from your current schedule (since you would have been working out anyway) and gives you the chance to meet more guys.
~ Matthew Hussey
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