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Depression has many Faces and can creep in at any speed. For some it’s hereditary and something they may have been warned about from a young age.
My mother and grandmother both suffered with it to varying degrees, so l always knew how it could affect the joys of life. Sometimes depression will swamp your life after an incident that leaves you feeling lost or out of control; sometimes maybe there’s just no rhyme or reason.
Mine was a whirlwind of all of these and that frenetic concoction meant it came in thick and Fast. l wasn’t even sure what l was going through at the time – all l knew was that l was walking through this thick mud that was making every step exhausting and debilitating. lt can be tricky to know when you’ve crossed the line from feeling a bit blue to depression.
Throughout my twenties, my blue moments were mostly linked to what every other twenty-something would be going through: break-ups, heartache, lack of confidence and generally feeling a bit lost. l had no previous reference point to gauge whether l had dipped my toe into depression’s treacle, or it l was merely Feeling a bit down. ln the end it was the length of time l felt stuck that rang alarm bells, and the fact l felt there was no hope offending a way out.
Everyone’s physical and mental version of depression will differ but, for me, it was a cloud. A dark, ominous mountain of a cloud that made my heart sink when l looked at it. My inner light that used to shine so brightly had dimmed to being barely visible. The optimistic sunshine in my eyes had been replaced by a heaviness and my skin matched the drab grey of the giant cloud.
l always used to look forward to what lay ahead, even something as simple as my morning coffee, but during this period nothing seemed hopeful. It was hard to leave the house during this time but l was still needed at work on a daily basis.
Due to the nature of my job l would put on a Fake smile, walk out of the door, go into robot mode and get through what was needed. Most of the time it was like an out-of-body experience.
Someone else was pushing the buttons and making things happen, as l certainly wasn’t capable of it. When my work was done, l could lift off the mask and privately Fall apart. The tears would Flow, Followed by a Feeling of complete numbness.
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